Coach Muffet McGraw's: Want your kids to thrive? Let them fail

The Huddle, located in LaFortune Hall—a building that once served as the student center of campus—is adorned by some of Notre Dame's most iconic imagery. In the very heart of the building, hangs the black and white photo of Father Hesburgh beside Martin Luther King, Jr., their arms interlocking as they sing and pray. Irish Impact: capturing the goal line stand at the 1992 Snow Bowl, became THE poster that hung in every dorm room from my era. This photographic gem can be seen near the north entrance. Take note of the 1988 National Championship team photo on the east wing and the names of the student body and senior class presidents by year on the west one (how fitting!). As I passed through LaFortune on my last visit to campus, I thought to myself, these walls speak for themselves. Irish history is rich, our traditions are strong and the victories are many. We have great athletes, facilities and coaches to thank. Accordingly one wall—one of my favorites—features profile pictures of the head coaches of men's and women's sports, both past and present. And all but one of those images has remained the same since my time as an undergraduate, even 22+ years later: the photo of Coach Muffet McGraw.

Take one glance at this 8" x 10" black and white and you will notice McGraw's energy, passion and dogged spirit. She is the winningest coach in Irish athletics. She is also a recent contributor to a CNN Opinion piece entitled "Want your kids to thrive? Let them fail." Having served as a coach for 41 years, she is also a wife and mother. If her background and experience don't give her enough credibility to write this piece, perhaps two national championships and tenure of 31 years at Notre Dame do. I encourage you to read the piece here, and now.

As I read it, I had to wonder why Coach McGraw would lend her voice to this particular conversation. I thought, What is she going to add that I haven't already read or thought about. I don't know of a person out there who praises "everyone gets a trophy because participation is valued more than performance" culture surrounding youth sports, yet I don't know many parents that want it to change at the expense of their son or daughter #theRealMVP?! Can Coach's words really make a difference? Here's my thought.

I have met Coach McGraw two times. In both encounters, I felt as though I had about 2.5 seconds to get my message or words out of my mouth. The woman is a spit fire, go-getter. She doesn't waste time, she doesn't mince words. For example, she captures what parents once said rather unapologetically. It's very clear she too believes that athletes are "lucky to be going to school for free." Yes, they are, I just don't seem to hear that tenor of the conversation from parents/many coaches today. She wrote this piece because she has something to say and my sense is because she wants this message to be heard. It must be pressing; it's undeniably important.

McGraw knows championships and victories, but she really does know "disappointment, adversity and failure."When the Notre Dame women's basketball team won their second national championship this past April, I was SO happy for—yes, the players/team, of course my alma mater but most especially for Coach McGraw. She has taken teams--great teams to the Final Four eight times, and the Championship game six of those eight times. There were years the Irish collapsed, went cold and met bad luck. Other years, they got beaten, fair and square. Coach McGraw has always represented Notre Dame in the wake of those defeats with class and aplomb. She is perhaps one of our best ambassador: for the University, for women's athletics and the game of basketball.

I know for a fact how much is burns Coach McGraw to lose. But I also believe her when she writes "Competing and giving it your best shot, that's the point. Learning the value of a great work ethic, and never giving up -- that's the point. It teaches you that life isn't fair and just because you go to practice every day doesn't mean you will get to play in the game." Just look to the 2018 team—a group that lost 4 starters to injury. Several woman got in the game that might not have otherwise. The whole really is greater than the sum of its parts.

I completely agree with Coach McGraw's advice on how to handle adversity: "Let them figure out for themselves that even if they're not the best player on the team, their role is still important." Our job is to create a community and environment where they can ask how to contribute and determine what is the need—what are we lacking. We owe young people honest answers, even if this is hard to say and we fear their response. We ought to praise good effort and staying with the struggle. Affirm integrity. Model humility. Laugh and smile. Always, always keep it real.

I would like to ask Coach McGraw a few questions of my own.

• How do you help your players develop mental toughness, a quality you see lacking in todays' athletes?
• As a college coach, what is your relationship—if any—with parents (past and present). What should it be? What would you like for it to be? 
• How have you helped those players who are struggling value being a small part of something big? Is that something you can teach?
• How do you help your players understand their role on the team in conventional and unconventional ways?
• What was the toughest lesson you learned from disappointment, adversity and failure? What is the best?

Thank you, Coach for all you have and continue to teach your players, students, alumni and fans—both on the court and off of it....especially Easter Sunday, 2018. Go Irish!

Photo Credits
Nets