In Praise of Tears...Thank you, Ons Jabeur

At one set down and the score of 2-3 in the second set, Ons Jabeur voluntarily put her back against the wall. She stood for what felt like eternity...solo...as only a tennis player does. I would love to know was said between her mind, body and soul. She emerged from the shadows and won the next game. It wasn't enough. Just four games letter, her nemesis Marketa Vondrousova fell to the ground, triumphant. Game. Set. Match: Vondrousova. The unseeded Czech defeated Jabeur, the two seed in straight sets—6-4, 6.4. 

But a few moments later, the closing ceremony pageantry commenced. The Princess of Wales greeted and thanked the ball boys and girls, lines-people and chair umpire. The crowd came to their feet, clapping and cheering in thanksgiving for a fortnight of great tennis. Jabeur, a crowd favorite, was the first to receive her trophy. She could barely grasp the award—a silver platter for first runner up—she was crying so much. She didn't hold back.

As written in The New Times, "Shortly after, during the on-court ceremony, Jabeur broke down, wiping tears from her pink eyes as she spoke to spectators, and holding the runner-up trophy like a dirty dish. She called it “the most painful loss” of her career.

It was hard to look away. That moment, if frozen in time, only revealed something every human being knows all too well: a dream denied. Again, one need not be a tennis player, an athlete or even a sports fan to have a sense of how Jabeur was feeling. And I loved her even more for letting us in.

Not every player who loses cries, but many do. So what gives? How or why were the tears from Jabeur any different? Maybe it's because—on some level— we get it, and it helps to see others do too. Who hasn't come close and lost? Who hasn't given their all toward a goal and come up short? Who hasn't been the favorite and emerged on the other side? 

Jabeur truly let herself be in the moment. In what felt again, like an eternity, we waited to see her regain her composure and speak. We saw her unable to let go of the pain of defeat. We watched Kate offer consolation and we watched as we saw Ons try to take it in. 

I don't know what it's like to play in the finals of Wimbledon. I don't know what's like to come that close to achieving a high profile, historic dream. But I do know what it's like to let myself be unable to "shake it off (sorry, Taylor)" or be anything but disappointed. Furthermore, I believe it offers a lesson to be learned about spirituality. 

There is no shortage of pain in this world—death, violence and destruction. Disease, divorce, hunger and the list goes on. But this pain is different. I think there's value in recognizing and appreciating that. This pain stems from desire. In "The Holy Longing," Ron Rolheiser writes "This dis-ease is universal.  Desire gives no exemptions.  It does, however, admit of different moods and faces … can show itself as aching pain or delicious hope.  Spirituality is, ultimately, about what we do with that desire." What a nuanced way to think about spirituality.

In Ons, we see a desire to be the best, and to achieve a goal. Though tennis is an individual sport, I believe one of the reasons she is so popular among the fans is because her desire does not feel totally selfish or solitary. For example, in her loss Jabeur apologized for "letting my fans and my team down."

Furthermore, it's not just Jabeur's desire but who she is along the path toward its progress that draws us in. This journey speaks to her own, unique personality...and her spirituality. David Waldstein writes: 

Jabeur, who appears as genuine as she is talented; one of the many reasons fans are so drawn to her. As the No. 6 seed, she played magnificently here, avenging last year’s devastating loss to No. 3 Rybakina in a quarterfinal and No. 2 Aryna Sabalenka in their semifinal. Many thought it was Jabeur’s time, making the loss more excruciating and eliciting sympathy even from Vondrousova’s camp.

“When I saw her, I started to cry, too,” said Stepan Simek, Vondrousova’s husband. “Ons is a very lovely human. She has a good heart and is very friendly with opponents, and even to me. I was very sad because she deserves to be a Grand Slam champion. She will make it one day.”

What a delicious hope. 

To be human is to have desire. Yes, some desires are indeed self consuming, while others are beautiful, up-lifting. Most are...human. Many professionals play tennis for selfish desires—the fame, the money and the glory. Others play tennis because it's a beautiful game. They represent their country, their homeland, who and/or what they represent. I would argue all players are probably somewhere in between, but a championship like Wimbledon offers a stage where we are able to question it all.

Rolheiser repeats his claim, but makes a subtle distinction. He writes "Spirituality is, ultimately, about what we do with that desire. What we do with our longings, both in terms of handling the pain and the hope they bring us, that is our spirituality." 

Djokovic teared up when thanking his family for their support after his loss in the Wimbledon final.

I began this blog posting on Saturday, July 15 but an hour after Jabeur lost the match. Less than 24 hours later, I was surprised to see Novak Djokovic also shedding tears a few minutes into his interview on the court—following his loss to Carlos Alcaraz in the men's final. He handled the pain in a similar way— he was gracious in defeat but honest with his emotions. While he is a very different person and has a different style of play, both athletes share a common desire and conclusion to it for now. 

There's a certain beauty in recognizing what we desire, our path toward it and where it will take us. There is a subtle irony in recognizing that tears are a likely result of either outcome. I stand in praise and appreciation of both.

Photo Credits
Tears and Fist Pump
Djokovic in tears, too
Princess Kate

The Problem...and Complexity of Anger: What We Can Learn from Novak Djokovic

I wish I could say I watched what transpired at the 139th US Open in real time. Instead, I write my remarks from my perch—having watched countless replays, from multiple camera angles of Novak Djokovic's default in the fourth round match against Pablo Carreno Busta. The court of public opinion has reviewed, analyzed, criticized and weighed in on Djokovic's past, his present and concerns about his future. Now, I too can play the role of both judge and jury. Honestly, I'd rather not. Does that make me sympathetic to him? I'll let you be the judge and jury of that.  No, the purpose of this blog post is not to judge the best player in the world but offer insight into what we might learn from him and the problem of anger.

Tennis is physically and mentally demanding (understatement of the year). Outbursts of emotion—both positive and negative—aren't uncommon. Players collapse on the court after a huge point and climb into the stands after a great win. In the same match, tempers rise, profanities are uttered and rackets get broken. As fans, we are witnesses to varied, dynamic responses—especially at the US Open! 

Novak Djokovic is the number one tennis player in the world. At the age of 33 he already has 17 Grand Slam titles to his name. While sports fans talk about Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal as the great players in the game, tennis fans know that it's quite likely Djokovic will surpass them both as the winningest player of all time. All three athletes are different in style and in temperament. King Fed is known as calm and collected, Rafa is powerful and emotive and The Djoker is flashy, electric and temperamental. 

As reported on CBS news when Jon Wertheim asked Rafa has never broken a racket. Wertheim said: "You haven't broken too many rackets in competition have you? (laugh) How many? Do you know the total?

Rafael Nadal: Yes, si.

Jon Wertheim: What is it?

Rafael Nadal: Zero.

Jon Wertheim: Zero. Never broken a racket?

Rafael Nadal:  Uh-uh. (negative)

Jon Wertheim: What is that about?

Rafael Nadal (Translation): My family, they wouldn't have allowed me to break a racket. For me, breaking a racket means I'm not in control of my emotions. 

The same cannot be said of Djokovic (see French Open 2016). He is known for angry outbursts on the court, damaging equipment and in the process—his reputation. It also led to his disqualification before the completion of the first set of his match on September 6, 2020. 

The USTA issued a public statement about the ruling. It says "In accordance with the Grand Slam rulebook, following his actions of intentionally hitting a ball dangerously or recklessly within the court or hitting a ball with negligent disregard of the consequences, the US Open tournament referee defaulted Novak Djokovic from the 2020 US Open. Because he was defaulted, Djokovic will lose all ranking points earned at the US Open and will be fined the prize money won at the tournament in addition to any or all fines levied with respect to the offending incident."

On Instagram, Djokovic said "I need to go back within and work on my disappointment and turn this all into a lesson for my growth and evolution as a player and human being. I apologize to the @usopen tournament and everyone associated for my behavior. I’m very grateful to my team and family for being my rock support, and my fans for always being there with me. Thank you and I’m so sorry." Rather than be the judge or sit in the jury box about his actions and his words, I want to consider what we can learn from this unfortunate event.

First, the feeling of anger is not in itself a sin, as with all emotions. However, anger can very easily lead to other sins—most notably wrath, or rage. Anger, when it becomes wrath can culminate in actions that are harmful to God, self and others. Rage gets away from us, and leads to unintended consequences—often in the form of both mental and physical pain. But anger isn't one-dimensional is it. Anger can be justifiable. If someone disparaged your mom or uttered racist jokes with no recompense, anger is appropriate. Justifiable anger appears even in sports. The missed pass interference call, NFC championship game between the New Orleans Saints and Los Angeles Rams in 2019 comes to mind. The tennis player gets called out when they very clearly saw it hit the line—sometimes more than twice!—can't just sit back and remain calm. What to do? Let's consider its complexity.

In the article "Why So Mad?" Andrew Santella writes, 

As one of the classic seven deadly sins, anger holds an exalted place but is a bit of a misfit among the group. It is the only one of the seven that doesn’t pay off in our self-interest.

For people like me who have never been unusually prone to anger, that makes the emotion difficult to understand. There’s no obvious payoff to a fit of anger. Only an outburst, hurt feelings or, worse yet, some violence. Hardly ever any real resolution to the problem that started the whole thing. Where’s the temptation in that?

No pay off for Djokovic. In fact, he was fined $10,000. And, it's fair to say Roger Federer may sympathize with Santella—in his disposition, but how might Djokovic respond? 

Santella continues, 

In The Enigma of Anger, Garrett Keizer writes that his anger “has more often distressed those I love and those who love me than it has afflicted those at whom I am angry.” 

Knowing that anger doesn’t always pay doesn’t necessarily make it easier to control it. Which may help explain why anger is so prominent in our lives. Our religious tradition centers on a God who, when provoked, turned people to salt, drowned entire armies, and sent floods and pestilence as tokens of his wrath. The most famous episode of anger in the New Testament is Jesus lashing out at the money changers of the temple. It might be the most modern scene in the Gospels.

If you did watch the match, you will see that Djokovic was struggling with his own game and rising to the level of his opponent. Though nothing close to a professional, the athlete in me understands the mounting frustration/anger he had to have been feeling. Athletes—What do you do with the anger when you can't bring your best self to the game? When you are the one making all the mistakes? We can see from this incident what NOT to do. That's not always a bad way to learn...! 

Finally, Santella reports 

We’re also deeply suspicious of our anger. The Romans preached self-control, and Renaissance essayist Montaigne advised marshaling our anger and using it wisely. He urged people to “husband their anger and not expend it at random for that impedes its effect and weight. Heedless and continual scolding becomes a habit and makes everyone discount it.”

That advice recognizes one of the paradoxes of anger: It’s often destructive, it’s often a waste, but every once in a while it works. It can fuel our drive to achieve, it can help us maintain our self-respect, it can help stop the world from walking all over us.

The trick, apparently, is getting angry at the right times and not getting angry at the wrong ones. Sounds easy, right? Mark Twain suggested, “When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.”

Great advice, Fantastic insight. It is destructive. It is a waste. He lost his chance to win another title. Perhaps anger fuels Djokovic to play better? The problem is that it must be channeled constructively. Clearly Nadal learned to manage that emotion that is pumping through his veins; perhaps his family insisted upon that. Community can help us with challenges must larger than ourselves

The problem with anger is the unintended consequences that result from it. I sincerely believe that Djokovic did not intend to harm the line judge in the least. But he paid a steep price for harboring this emotion through a ball—the same instrument that leads to victory and in this case defeat.

Djokovic said "This whole situation has left me really sad and empty. I checked on the lines person and the tournament told me that thank God she is feeling ok. I‘m extremely sorry to have caused her such stress. So unintended. So wrong."

Unintended, yes. Wrong, yes. Let us remember to count to four. Think of our families. And if you're still angry go ahead and throw down a few choice swear words and/or offer a prayer. In fact the webpage "13 Powerful Ways for Overcoming Anger and Resentment" speaks to the complexity of this emotion. Each one is worth considering for ourselves and the many ways we must work with and through this emotion. Peace.

Calm My Anger Prayer

Lord, bring peace to my mind and my heart as I feel angry at the situation I am in. May I take hold of your promise that you will never leave me nor forsake me. In whatever circumstances I face that produce anger in my heart, remind me that you have not left my side and you never will. When you are with me I can trust you to fight my battles, I do not need to allow anger to take control. Give me your peace Father, may it rule over my life. Through Jesus Christ, our Lord, Amen.

Photo Credits
Instagram apology
SMH
With Line Judge
Big Three

The Sports Hangover....of a different kind

All week, I suffered from a mini-hangover. It lingered. It came and went at a varying intensity. I didn't get this hangover from too much wine or champagne, or even vodka on the rocks. No, this hangover was different. Though I wasn't physically sick, I can't deny it was there. Sports fans might understand; I know many athletes do.

The 2019 men's final at Wimbledon was truly one of the ages, an instant classic. But, I couldn't let go of the outcome. As I recalled the match with friends, I couldn't help but feel bummed—for a lack of a better word. The 37-year old number two player in the world, Roger Federer didn't lose a single game. He did, however, lose the match. Staving off two match points—his opponent—Novak Djokovic beat him in three tie breaks in five sets. As much as I felt the loss—that ache, I wondered What it must feel like for the athlete, for their spouse, their coach, "team" and friends? Hungover, but in a different kind of way, is my guess.

I have read about said hangovers before. In the movie "Venus and Serena" Venus Williams, a five time Wimbledon champion admitted that after she lost, she didn't get out of bed for a week. Phil Mickelson has as much before, too. It wasn't after his fatal fall at the 2006 US Open at Winged Foot. According to Golf News.Net 

The reigning (British) Open champion had what he described was his best chance to finally capture the elusive U.S. Open in June. Instead, he came up short against Justin Rose, posting a sixth second-place finish in the championship -- only adding to a record no one wants to own. 

In an appearance on 'Today" on NBC,  Mickelson said, "My worst, hardest loss of my career was the U.S. Open just a month ago. For days, I didn’t get out of bed; I was tired." 

Once again, however, it was Mickelson's family that helped pulled him out of the funk. 

"It was a trip that we had to Montana that kind of got me out of my funk and I realized that I’m playing great golf, and I can’t let one loss affect the rest of my year," he said.

Fortunately for Fed, the circumstances are slightly different. There is no Grand Slam out of his reach. With eight single's championships, he is not only the winningest man in Wimbledon history, he has twelve others, 20 major championships in all. But what made this win so desirable is to see what we don't often see in a sport like tennis. The great enemy of every athlete is age. Fed responded to that truth by smiling and sharing "I hope I give some other people a chance to believe that at 37, it's not over yet." It does. And BTW: The Maestro will be 38 when he plays the fourth and final Grand Slam of the year, the US Open.

I think it is important to feel these hangovers and to let them linger. That storm cloud may need to rain for one day, or maybe for three. But it's not a condition or characteristic of today's athletes alone. In the film 'Hogan: Perseverance" Bantam Ben Hogan admitted his struggle in defeat. 

On the 71st hole of the 1960 US Open at Cherry Hills Country Club, in Denver CO, Hogan hit a wedge loaded with backspin that went into the water, essentially ending what was another bid for a fifth championship title. He said, "I find myself walking up at night thinking of that shot. Right today. How many years has that been? That's been 23 years ago and there isn't a month that goes by that that doesn't cut my guts out." Wow. 

I don't know what Fed will say weeks, months or even years after the loss. Business Insider wrote,

After the match, Federer was graceful in defeat, joking with the crowd while speaking in his post-match interview. Federer was congratulated for his brilliant performance, with BBC presenter and former Grand Slam champion Sue Barker saying it was a final we would "remember forever."

"I will try to forget," Federer replied, earning laughs and cheers from the crowd.

I'm not sure he will...or I will. I do not believe that a person is strange or selfish, if they are depressed or down after a loss. Why? These contests and competitions are great because we see humanity at its best. We see men and women giving everything—physically, emotionally and spiritually. They literally having nothing left in the tank. Their cup cannot runneth over, that is, unless it's spiked with adrenaline. 

Family, friends and fans can't expect to see one face of greatness—the joy, exuberance and triumph without realizing there might be another. 

The fortnight of Wimbledon is a special time of year. New wine was poured into both new and old wineskins. We drank it all. In spite of the "other" type of hangover, I'd do it again. Thank you Fed. Congratulations Joker!

Photo Credits
Heart on hand
Loss at Merion
Staying Positive
Tough Loss